Ayahuasca called me Shaman
I was guided to work with Ayahuasca as a healing tool for myself. As soon as I felt Aya calling, there was an email sent my way for a weekend retreat out west. I was a definite yes and signed up immediately.
The travels out west took 3 flights to get where I was going. 1 of these was a small plane that seated 8. I have pretty awful motion sickness so that plane ride was a little rough. Before I got on the 8-seater plane, I ran into a Facebook acquaintance. After a couple of years of following each other, we met in person and, of course, we were headed to the same place. She would be one of the support facilitators for this retreat. I didn’t know it then, but I’m pretty sure Spirit sent her there that weekend as an angel for me.
We were picked up at the airport and drove through New Mexico on the way to the ranch. We arrived at a gate and a gravel road that opened up to a beautiful adobe home. I was there with a meditation retreat group. There was a meditation teacher present that had been a Buddhist monk for 30 years and ran the monastery for many years.
When I arrived I was offered a refreshment, a microdose of the grandfather, Huachuma. It definitely allowed me to open up my senses and feel comfortable in this group of several new people. We sat and had conversations and the most amazing home-cooked food We sat together at this long table with the dim lights of the kitchen behind us. It was beautiful.
We woke the next day to start our 3 times a day meditation. We sat in meditation for an hour 3x a day I was there. It felt appropriate for me to arrive when there was such an impactful spiritual practice added to the retreat.
That evening we got ready for our first Aya Ceremony. We each found our spot and we lay in meditation for about an hour before we were offered medicine from the shaman. When I sat with the shaman, she told me there was a grandmother spirit with me. She asked if I would like a light, moderate, or heavy dose. Being me, I chose heavy. I came to experience this fully and I felt guided to go right in. I also know that my system takes a bit to relax. I had worked with other medicines previously. ***Disclaimer: You do not need a heavy dose of plant medicine for it to work. Please keep that in mind if you are choosing to explore plant medicine.
I went back and lay on my mat. An hour later the shaman offered a second dose. I again asked for a heavy dose and laid back on my mat. Shortly after I remember being in childs pose and I started to sob. I sobbed for what seemed like an hour. I remember looking up and the shaman was using tobacco to help move my energy. I could hear people around me awwing at my process and a new friend that felt a brother in front of me holding space while I was in process. One of the facilitators was helping move energy in my hips. I was so afraid to move because I was afraid they would leave me. But I had to move and they didn’t leave. My kundalini awakening was starting at that moment.
I was recalling my past life + I was also releasing the toxic masculine energy from my system.
I was seeing my past life as my great-grandmother. She told me that I am her reincarnated. She showed me that as a young girl at the age of 4, her parents had no choice but to sell her. Her grandmother, I see her, is holding space in a ceremony in a tent as she is being taken by the white man.
At this point, I’m sobbing for her, my grandmother, and she is very aware of what my life experience is. She is sending healing and energy to me. I can feel the anger and also the acceptance of the need to protect my family and my ancestors.
A man, my great-grandfather, finds her in a brothel in New Mexico. They fall in love and they leave to go to the midwest. I feel her anger at the white man. She continues to show me our life. My life as my great-grandmother. I feel her anger that the men in our lineage passed down this toxic trauma of sexual abuse.
I am called outdoors. Star helps me out to the fire so I can smoke some tobacco. I am not a cigarette smoker so I am just giving spirit what she is asking for. I knew it may make me nauseous and it did. I was on the ground by the rocks quickly. People would come in and out of the door and there I stayed in my process. Sometimes spitting at the white man, some times crying, some times laughing. Yet amazed at the ceremony happening in another dimension for me by Pachamama.
I see the grandmother spirit. I see her sitting by the fire holding space for my process as my knees hit the ground and I’m undulating, feeling nauseous, and spitting my anger out. My kundalini awakening had moved up to my midsection. The energy was intense. The fire was rising.
This is when I felt Pachamama embody me. She embodied me and the phoenix rose. She showed me that I would channel her to bring healing to others. She showed me that I would help activate other native souls back to this Earth. She called me Shaman.
I felt her laugh through my entire body. She laughed deeply and said, “They thought they had me down, but I am back” She showed me the ceremony happening for me. She was in the tent. She is holding space for my kundalini awakening into Shaman.
She tore down my website. She said that Jessica Tanselle has to go. I laughed and cried. I had just paid for and created this gorgeous thing! I knew then that life was about to change and I had no clue what was coming next.
I tried many times to move from the ground. I even asked if I could be done, but Aya said, “You don’t get to just be done. That this was a two-night ceremony. You will be here till dawn.” She also made me promise to come back for the second night. I promised. At some point, she let go enough for me to get some food and finally get into bed around 3 am.
She was right. I was there again at dawn. I was there at dawn ready for meditation. The sun was rising.
I didn’t know what to expect going into night two. I know that Aya told me that this would be a two-night kundalini awakening. I also know that even with an intention plant medicine will show you what is necessary for your journey. It’s great to have an intention and it also helps to have no expectations.
I started with one strong dose. This evening the Aya was a little bit stronger. I remember it being a sweet thick medicine. It wasn’t bad. This Aya had traveled from Hawaii, I believe.
I was hearing the drumming before we even started. I came out of my meditation wondering if I was hearing the sounds of music in the background. But there was no music playing, Aya was calling me. That single dose started my process very quickly. I felt the wave of Aya coming in and the sounds almost like a warping. I made it to the bathroom and I felt so nauseated. I managed to wash my hands, open the door, and call for help, and I immediately hit the floor. Outside of the door, my acquaintance, Star was there again. She had helped a lot the evening before and she was right there when I called for help. She called on our friend, Ray, to help. You remember him, he is the Buddhist monk that was facilitating during the weekend.
They were on their knees beside me. He put his hand on my back and said, “just breathe, Jessica, just breathe.” I remember that I couldn’t get myself up to purge in the bucket. Then I realized that I was in my infant stage. I could sense myself alone in a crib. I could sense people in the distance of the memory but they aren’t paying attention to me. I felt so helpless. Though in real life, I had these two beautiful souls supporting me.
Once I was able to move from the bathroom floor, Ray walked me into the Womb room. There was a mat by a fire next to the shaman. Again, I sobbed as the shaman moved energy around me. The kundalini movement started again. This time my shoulders were involuntarily rotating. I was seeing memories of this life. I was seeing my 3 and 4-year-old self and some scary moments I went through that took away some of my psychic senses.
I remembered the memory so vividly. It was one I had thought of before. There is a knock at the door. My mom and I are sitting on the living room couch. I can even see the lamp lit, it’s dark outside. My dad opens the door and immediately a fight breaks out. My mom pushes my head behind her to protect me from seeing what was happening, but I could hear it all. I didn’t have my sight, but I heard so much. I was reminded of the things I also had to listen to that muted my hearing.
Star + Sarah helped me outside. The crows were flying. I was told that was rare for them to be around at that time. They like to take and leave trinkets. It reminded me of the trinkets I had left on the ancestor altar I built on the land that day. I stacked rocks for my ancestors and left them my mala beads and favorite rainbow Lemurian quartz. I visited it again on my next visit which I’ll share another time.
I remember walking with Star. I had been uncovering some deep childhood trauma. She gave me a wise piece of advice. She said, “You don’t always have to know what happened to release it. You can just let it go.” At that moment, that was real for me. What I was about to uncover felt like a lot of information that I am willing to see if spirit needs me to see it. For now, I’ve let it go and forgive it.
I felt guided to drink more medicine, but I just couldn’t. I felt Aya telling me to have more but I was so over that nausea. I do wish I had. I felt like I had energy stuck in my head following my walk and like the kundalini awakening still had some flow to move through.
And it did. As the group started to eat, I was laying down working through some feelings of self-forgiveness. I cried and breathed.
I was so grateful for this experience. It changed my life. It showed me things that are just now showing up in my life now. I felt so at home there. I felt so safe with this amazing group of people that I didn’t know and found so much peace.
Leaving this land was hard. I didn’t know how I was supposed to go back home and live a normal life after that. I had spent two nights in spirit, working through my kundalini awakening, and discovering I was a Shaman.
The first night, Pachamama showed me that this land is where I am from. This is the land that is calling me. The land of my ancestors. The land of my great-grandmother. The land to steward. I knew I would be back. I didn’t want to leave. I knew Spirit would lead the way west if it was meant for me.
A year later…
Spirit is again showing me that I am indeed a Shaman, a seer, a conduit between the realms. Spirit is showing me the things coming forward from my Aya journey. It’s showing up a year after my journey. A rebrand + a rebirth. And finally the call out west. I surrender. I trust where Spirit guides me next.
Much Love + Positive Vibes.
